rawr_imalion

08:52 pm: HIT ME ONCE, I'LL TURN MY FACE LIKE JESUS
Lets take this thick glass bottle in hand, and wash away our fears.
Every drop of scotch we drink, will then substitute the tears.
We can evaporate the yelling, scorns of disappointment, and hate.
All the pain and self-loathing, will then vanish in our drunken state.

Things never seem to change. I wake up shaky and mislead.
Every passing morning, terrified to face the day ahead.
Each forgotten night, leaves me hopeful and relieved,
but once morning comes, it’s myself I have deceived.
Reaching out of bed nauseously, head and stomach spin in sync.
I promise myself yet again, to never touch another drink.
I stumble to the bathroom, mirror observes my hazy expression.
The last time I woke up sober, is out of recollection.
Now the phone it rings and rings, and ofcourse I'm late once more.
Repeating this routine, all for liquor and some whore.

But one thing about this morning, is quite different from the rest.
Hitting hard that it’s not life or liquor, but myself who I detest.
And I realize where my life stands, as my head begins to clear.
Everything meaningful that I once had, is now no where near.
I’ve given up everything, my self-worth included.
Dismissed the friends who cared, because the truth in which they alluded.
I lack all self-pride, no matter quite how hard I try to mask it.
But truth is, self-hate will probably drink me to my casket.

06:52 pm: never.good.enough.
always left a fool.

05:42 am: i miss being skinny, and cute, and well-rounded, well-spoken, and appealing... and having a good head on my shoulders.

i think i might wanna get back on that.
hhmm. lets see how that goes.

05:08 am: my life goes in cycles... thats just how it goes i guess.

05:02 am: i just want to know, why things must always change with the seasons?
is there anything even half way perminant?
or atleast relatively genuine?
are people ever really there for you, or do they every REALLY mean what they say?
must things always change with the seasons?
or is this just a natural order i havent come accustomed to?

as much as i hope to obtain that ability to accept it, shake it, & move on... part of me remains thankful yet crushed, that i never will.

05:00 am: You peer inside yourself.
You take the things you like.
And try to love the things you took.
And then you take that love you made
and stick it into someone else's heart.
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm.
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does
...you'll just do it all again.
you wont play pretend,
no matter how bad it hurts,
wehn it comes to it's end.

07:59 pm: it's such a sad day,
when we need to save each other from ourselves.
but rest assured, that with a heart that's pure,
we'll be victorious, &; not let our hate get the best of us.

03:14 pm: this person, that person, the me left unfound

she spit a thousand perspectives,
each one making far too much sense,
and while her words were frank & hopeful,
they still left me questing their pretense.

dear momma you were always so wise,
momma, you've always known whats best for me,
and while deep down i know thats still true,
time's impact has made that harder to see.

gotta keep that chin straight up to the sky,
up high, just try; wont cry, wont cry.
and if i lose myself breifly,
and my gaurd happens to fall down
those tears better be blamed on alchohol;
seems the only legitimate frown.

because its far too selfish to let others see
just how discontent, in a beautiful life, i can be.
and while i've had my fair share of experiences,
jack-hammers demolishing my esteem,
i am blessed with so much more, 
others could only aspire to dream.

within the deepest depths of my core,
i swear my appreciation is overflowing,
crimson skys, & genuine eyes
....just knowing, just knowing.

just knowing the person i've worked to become,
and the people who have left me touched,
there are times when i need to catch my breath,
for its beauty overwhelms me so much.

but still i go on,
wondering what it will take,
& how much beauty is required ,
to clear away that lingering heartache?

...not so much heartache,
maybe a womb waiting to be patched?
or a void that needs filling,
with no strings attached?

its a stagnant sense of limbo more or less,
that im just striving to prevail,
finding the proper course of action,
& witnessing how long of a stride it may entail.

waiting, wondering, wanting, needing...
crossing my fingers for the best.
im a lost baby bird trying to find my way;  
back to a safe, simple life in my heart's nest.

04:42 am: i've been stuck pondering the concept surrounding my molded vision of authenticity. i cant help but question myself & a million different things. 

when you believe in something so much, that its strength & purity inspire you to your core, how do you go on functioning once that inspiration is ripped away.